Tawar Hati

I can't believe I haven't deleted this blog yet.

So it's 2019 and I am still with the Company. Joined in September 2015 and still around currently. Four years was a long time. I am in a better position, work-wise and pay-wise. Looking back, I joined as a contract staff doing stocks. In May 2016, they re-designated me to a more meaningful job. Jan 2017, I was promoted to Officer. Jan 2018, I was acting Executive. Jun 2018, I was made Senior Officer (the HR backtracked on their promise to make me Executive). Finally in Jan 2019, I was promoted to Executive - then the youngest in the department.

But right now, I think I have been with the Co. long enough. Somehow, I have always planned an exit in 2020. I don't know why I set that. And it's now 2 months away.

I have achieved much. Four years, four promotions. Cukuplah tu.

Especially right now, maybe since I set that deadline, I'm beginning to feel disheartened with the Co. Adding to that, I'm having issues with colleagues and subordinates. I tried very hard to be a friend to my subs but since I'm so bad at handling relationships, I'm beginning to alienate everyone. Very bad way to learn a lesson in leadership.

Oh, and I'm still single. 27 and single. How sad is that?

I met someone who I fell for. We have so many in common. But here's the kicker - she's a colleague - actually, somewhat of a subordinate. She's only 2 years younger and already more mature than me. Secondly, at first, we were quite close and we hanged out and got along well. But lately, she's been distant. I find it very hard to talk to her. I've asked her if anything was wrong but of course the answer was none. Anyway, I took great efforts to woo her. But on my birthday, I got nothing at all. I didn't expect much, but since I was the first to wish her on her birthday, I was hoping she would at least do the same for me. But nothing from her. And it was impossible for her to forget since everybody knew and her closest friend knew and reminded everybody else. But alas, that was a clear indication. I feel very bad because it might appear to her now that I was trying so hard that she was trying to dial back and put me in my rightful place. What an awful feeling.

But in the end, that happens even to the best of us. Nothing I can do to fix that. I'm not gonna embarass myself further. It's just that I feel a certain way about her that she just doesn't about me - eventhough, at first, I felt like we really had a connection. Just as much as whatever interest I had in the Co. is slowly fading, there's not much I can do to make people develop interest in me.

Or maybe that's just what happens when you tawar hati.

Laters.