This is, without doubt, the lowest point in my 27 years of life.
Breakdown :
Job - while I'm more than happy with the pay, the company is in an unprecedented fix. I have no easy sleep at night thinking of what's gonna happen next to the company and its employees. I'm thinking of what's gonna happen to me, and what's gonna happen to my colleagues & staff. Already we are feeling the pinch. In a best case scenario, the company might be put on yet another restructuring exercise. I could lose my job, or be re-hired with reduced pay, or be downgraded, even. Who knows? I've been sending out resumés and attended an interview so far, but strongly, I have no more qualm of leaving. I'm even willing to take a reasonable paycut to get a job at a company in a better position.
Studies - nope, 9 years on, no end in sight. I'm taking my final shot at it. Things are much more complex and difficult now, and I'm so behind in the game already. But this is my final attempt. If this does not succeed, I will concede that this is just not for me as fate would have it.
Financial - related to the first point. I have some savings. I got a sizeable amount in the bank & unit trusts. If the rainy day ever comes (and it's already windy), I have calculated that I can survive without an income or salary for about 24 months with my savings alone. I could stretch it to 34 but I'm taking a conservative approach. Better be wrong in the positive margins. Good thing is, I have no commitments except for a small loan I took out for the unit trust which is being paid for with the dividends.
Relationship - perhaps the strongest reason I've been feeling like shit. Made & lost some friends. No lover yet, I'm 27 and single. If you think that's bad, consider this - I've never been in a relationship before. This could be karma since come to think of it, for the most part of my life, I've always undermined the need for a partner. I deemed those who needed one as being weak and having poor ability to stand on their own. I was DEAD WRONG. Turns out, even for a huge cynic like me, it's important to have someone to fete, to understand, and to re-assure you when the going gets so tough that you start doubting yourself. It's painful to go at it alone. If anybody's reading this right now and think of me as a wuss, well kid, all I can say is, give it time. I was just like you. My advice, don't deny what's already in your heart, tho you might have stashed it away so that you can look strong and independent. It's not worth it. We're biologically built up to complete each other so denying that is simply unnatural & arrogant. Mother nature will come back at you with a revenge. I'm paying the price for such arrogance.
This is the lowest point in my life.
I have never felt so hopeless.
Sunday, 17 November 2019
Monday, 28 October 2019
Tawar Hati
I can't believe I haven't deleted this blog yet.
So it's 2019 and I am still with the Company. Joined in September 2015 and still around currently. Four years was a long time. I am in a better position, work-wise and pay-wise. Looking back, I joined as a contract staff doing stocks. In May 2016, they re-designated me to a more meaningful job. Jan 2017, I was promoted to Officer. Jan 2018, I was acting Executive. Jun 2018, I was made Senior Officer (the HR backtracked on their promise to make me Executive). Finally in Jan 2019, I was promoted to Executive - then the youngest in the department.
But right now, I think I have been with the Co. long enough. Somehow, I have always planned an exit in 2020. I don't know why I set that. And it's now 2 months away.
I have achieved much. Four years, four promotions. Cukuplah tu.
Especially right now, maybe since I set that deadline, I'm beginning to feel disheartened with the Co. Adding to that, I'm having issues with colleagues and subordinates. I tried very hard to be a friend to my subs but since I'm so bad at handling relationships, I'm beginning to alienate everyone. Very bad way to learn a lesson in leadership.
Oh, and I'm still single. 27 and single. How sad is that?
I met someone who I fell for. We have so many in common. But here's the kicker - she's a colleague - actually, somewhat of a subordinate. She's only 2 years younger and already more mature than me. Secondly, at first, we were quite close and we hanged out and got along well. But lately, she's been distant. I find it very hard to talk to her. I've asked her if anything was wrong but of course the answer was none. Anyway, I took great efforts to woo her. But on my birthday, I got nothing at all. I didn't expect much, but since I was the first to wish her on her birthday, I was hoping she would at least do the same for me. But nothing from her. And it was impossible for her to forget since everybody knew and her closest friend knew and reminded everybody else. But alas, that was a clear indication. I feel very bad because it might appear to her now that I was trying so hard that she was trying to dial back and put me in my rightful place. What an awful feeling.
But in the end, that happens even to the best of us. Nothing I can do to fix that. I'm not gonna embarass myself further. It's just that I feel a certain way about her that she just doesn't about me - eventhough, at first, I felt like we really had a connection. Just as much as whatever interest I had in the Co. is slowly fading, there's not much I can do to make people develop interest in me.
Or maybe that's just what happens when you tawar hati.
Laters.
So it's 2019 and I am still with the Company. Joined in September 2015 and still around currently. Four years was a long time. I am in a better position, work-wise and pay-wise. Looking back, I joined as a contract staff doing stocks. In May 2016, they re-designated me to a more meaningful job. Jan 2017, I was promoted to Officer. Jan 2018, I was acting Executive. Jun 2018, I was made Senior Officer (the HR backtracked on their promise to make me Executive). Finally in Jan 2019, I was promoted to Executive - then the youngest in the department.
But right now, I think I have been with the Co. long enough. Somehow, I have always planned an exit in 2020. I don't know why I set that. And it's now 2 months away.
I have achieved much. Four years, four promotions. Cukuplah tu.
Especially right now, maybe since I set that deadline, I'm beginning to feel disheartened with the Co. Adding to that, I'm having issues with colleagues and subordinates. I tried very hard to be a friend to my subs but since I'm so bad at handling relationships, I'm beginning to alienate everyone. Very bad way to learn a lesson in leadership.
Oh, and I'm still single. 27 and single. How sad is that?
I met someone who I fell for. We have so many in common. But here's the kicker - she's a colleague - actually, somewhat of a subordinate. She's only 2 years younger and already more mature than me. Secondly, at first, we were quite close and we hanged out and got along well. But lately, she's been distant. I find it very hard to talk to her. I've asked her if anything was wrong but of course the answer was none. Anyway, I took great efforts to woo her. But on my birthday, I got nothing at all. I didn't expect much, but since I was the first to wish her on her birthday, I was hoping she would at least do the same for me. But nothing from her. And it was impossible for her to forget since everybody knew and her closest friend knew and reminded everybody else. But alas, that was a clear indication. I feel very bad because it might appear to her now that I was trying so hard that she was trying to dial back and put me in my rightful place. What an awful feeling.
But in the end, that happens even to the best of us. Nothing I can do to fix that. I'm not gonna embarass myself further. It's just that I feel a certain way about her that she just doesn't about me - eventhough, at first, I felt like we really had a connection. Just as much as whatever interest I had in the Co. is slowly fading, there's not much I can do to make people develop interest in me.
Or maybe that's just what happens when you tawar hati.
Laters.
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