Crunch time

Work has gone from terrible to awful. Drained at this point with all given and virtually none taken.

Two days ago, I had an impromptu chat with an SM at my place. He's a head of another department but I had been told that my department would be merged with his and he's gonna stay as head and my current head will report to him, probably with a slight bump in title but not as the chief.

Anyway, the chat got into a host of topics which I appreciated very much since I don't get to talk with my current colleagues about macro stuff as the conversation always is about the day-to-day.

For context, I've been actively looking for a new job since I feel that I'm fucking up the one I have by my incompetence and mainly my inability to work in such a high-stakes but 'low-payout' environment. I don't make it obvious at all though and although everybody else is also hunting for a new job I'd claim that I'm a company man who will stay with this company whatever happens. It's a lie I tell with a straight face.

But the SM might have caught whiff of my intention since he kept saying about how he had valued me as one of the key people in this department. Went as far as laying down his plans and how I would be an important piece of the puzzle - IF I stayed.

I really would love to stay but if I got a proper job offer, I'd still leave as much as how great I actually found his plans were. BTW. a proper job offer to me is one that offers the same of what I'm getting and it's gonna be a stable, reputable company. One that actually invests not just in the business but also the people.

For the last 30 months, I have been saying to my team that things will get worse before they get better but every day feels like it's worse than the day before. We don't see a bottom yet. Chances are, I'll myself hit the bottom first among other things. I can't afford to implode yet.

But all in all, it's good to know that there's somebody high up actually acknowledging I've done good - or at least tried hard to do so, and how I can still yet be a star player, if I can stomach a few more terrible quarters. Or perhaps, years?

As usual, time will tell, I guess.