Fallen

I never blogged from the office. Hopefully the IT guys are not watching me writing this stupid stuff.

It's Monday and I don't know if it's the day itself or the thoughts inside my head that's causing me to feel so blue. Pretty sure it's the latter. As you know, my company, the airline, is 'optimising' its number of staff as part of its rationalisation plan. Some of the people got a 1-yr extension contract, some were just asked to go, but with some money for the road, of course. My department is a bit special. Our Head managed to get permanent employment for everybody, and they're left to choose to accept it or leave anyways but still, with some money. If it were me, I would certainly have chosen the latter. I got to leave this godforsaken company and basically get paid doing it, nevermind the headache to find another job or how to while away my free time at home.

Let me update a bit about myself, by the way.

I'm into my 7th year of training and still haven't graduated. That's a 1-year fucking delay. Most of my friends have already gotten the coveted Red Book a.k.a Licence and yet, here I am with some others who are basically in limbo. Hardly a progress. In fact, I feel closer to resigning to the fact that I'm just not made to be an engineer. All those good grades in school and being top of the class in my first year seem a stark contrast to what I am today. Last year, because the company training department saw it almost impossible anyway for any of us to graduate without running out of allowance first, they decided to give us a job doing data-entry with basic wage. It was supposedly a filler, something that we could get money from, to fund our studies. Our fees were paid in full, but we still have to eat, and our gas tanks still need to be filled up. The CEO made it clear he wanted us to focus on the training and implied that the job, although fulltime, should not stand in the way of our studies. However, I, along with some of my colleagues, were put in this short-handed department. As a result, we needed to fulfill the staff requirements and had to do intense work that we couldn't find time to pursue our training.

Fast forward a year later, I am now bottom of the class. Just now, I had dinner with some colleagues who are still in training. Word is, the training school has begun terminating delayed trainees. I was so shocked to learn that. I mean, that's what I've been fearing all this while. Although I made almost no progress since last year, I'm still convinced I can do it, however hard it may be now that I've been made permanent staff and expected to commit fully. I'm scared because it that truly is the case, then I've officially flunked engineering school. FLUNKED. I've known two friends who flunked college, and they're far from happy and they're depressed. Which are already what I am. My God. I failed. I fell short. This really bruises my ego.

I don't know how to deal with my parents when they learn this. I love them, although in recent times, I seldom show it. This is exactly the kind of stuff I never wanted to tell them. For almost 24 years, I avoided that, and gave them the highest satisfaction I could in the form of my achievements. Now suddenly, I am that stupid kid who does a low-paying job for a living, like almost anybody else in my hometown.

Fuck.