Bad mouth

A somewhat funny thing happened today. So my colleague joined some other staff for early dinner. While they were away at the cafe, he sent me a string of text messages. He said that one of the staff was talking $#it about me. Apparently, he thinks I'm a somewhat snobbish guy from the way I walk. He goes on quite a rant about me, how I'm a 'berlagak' and 'eksyen' guy, and that's only from my way of walking. And to further prove his point, he goes on to say that people with the same name as me are usually arrogant and cocky guys. This makes me a bit annoyed.

OK, to be fair, I do think I'm quite 'poyo' myself. I walk like I have a stick up my ass, like some people would say, with a straight posture and a constantly straight face, even when I say hi to people as I pass by. I do speak with a deep, monotonic voice, and often, use English to get my points across. I've gotten some ill talk from the other staff for the latter. They thought I should be Malay by speaking Malay only, which I think is bull (furthermore, I'm a proponent of adopting English as one of our official languages, like Singapore did but that's for another time). But it is unfair for him to accuse me of being cocky or arrogant because as far as I know, that guy never had a conversation with me, not a word but he already deduces that I'm a douche just from the way I walk AND my name.

Well guy, whatever rocks your boat. I'm not changing my ways to conform with your standards. I mean, you can't expect me to slouch and speak like a village idiot so that I can fit in with you guys, man. I am better than that. 

Arrogant? Heh, maybe one day we'll sit in a meeting together, and I'll show you how arrogant and cocky I can be.

Fallen

I never blogged from the office. Hopefully the IT guys are not watching me writing this stupid stuff.

It's Monday and I don't know if it's the day itself or the thoughts inside my head that's causing me to feel so blue. Pretty sure it's the latter. As you know, my company, the airline, is 'optimising' its number of staff as part of its rationalisation plan. Some of the people got a 1-yr extension contract, some were just asked to go, but with some money for the road, of course. My department is a bit special. Our Head managed to get permanent employment for everybody, and they're left to choose to accept it or leave anyways but still, with some money. If it were me, I would certainly have chosen the latter. I got to leave this godforsaken company and basically get paid doing it, nevermind the headache to find another job or how to while away my free time at home.

Let me update a bit about myself, by the way.

I'm into my 7th year of training and still haven't graduated. That's a 1-year fucking delay. Most of my friends have already gotten the coveted Red Book a.k.a Licence and yet, here I am with some others who are basically in limbo. Hardly a progress. In fact, I feel closer to resigning to the fact that I'm just not made to be an engineer. All those good grades in school and being top of the class in my first year seem a stark contrast to what I am today. Last year, because the company training department saw it almost impossible anyway for any of us to graduate without running out of allowance first, they decided to give us a job doing data-entry with basic wage. It was supposedly a filler, something that we could get money from, to fund our studies. Our fees were paid in full, but we still have to eat, and our gas tanks still need to be filled up. The CEO made it clear he wanted us to focus on the training and implied that the job, although fulltime, should not stand in the way of our studies. However, I, along with some of my colleagues, were put in this short-handed department. As a result, we needed to fulfill the staff requirements and had to do intense work that we couldn't find time to pursue our training.

Fast forward a year later, I am now bottom of the class. Just now, I had dinner with some colleagues who are still in training. Word is, the training school has begun terminating delayed trainees. I was so shocked to learn that. I mean, that's what I've been fearing all this while. Although I made almost no progress since last year, I'm still convinced I can do it, however hard it may be now that I've been made permanent staff and expected to commit fully. I'm scared because it that truly is the case, then I've officially flunked engineering school. FLUNKED. I've known two friends who flunked college, and they're far from happy and they're depressed. Which are already what I am. My God. I failed. I fell short. This really bruises my ego.

I don't know how to deal with my parents when they learn this. I love them, although in recent times, I seldom show it. This is exactly the kind of stuff I never wanted to tell them. For almost 24 years, I avoided that, and gave them the highest satisfaction I could in the form of my achievements. Now suddenly, I am that stupid kid who does a low-paying job for a living, like almost anybody else in my hometown.

Fuck.

It's all a joke

I have a friend who I've known since primary school. Nice guy, light-hearted, always laughing, and although we were only classmates for a few months, he was definitely a class clown. Came from a well-off family, too.

After early in Form One, we brought our different ways. He enrolled in this state boarding school and I stayed at our old school, and eventually went to ASiS. Not tooting my own horns, but I was mostly a better student than him. In SPM, I scored straight A's and he got a fraction of that.

Fate had it that we would be classmates again in UIA, where I ended up being after a clueless mess in  my UPU application. I was by then already set on doing engineering, and the UPU website had a few choices for undergraduate studies. Due to my laid-back behaviour, I never learnt the path to become an engineer other than taking up foundation studies and later, degree. So I chose foundation engineering studies at UIA as my first choice, and Dip in Mechanical Engineering at UTM as second choice. Little did I know that most of my peers who had results similar with me, would pick a foundation in science at UM instead, and foundation at UiTM as second choice. Turned out UIA back then had lower intake requirements and unless I had mediocre SPM results, I should go for UM. During my orientation week, the MC in this event I forgot asked who among the students, about 1000 of us, asked for other 'better' schools, and ended up being placed at UIA - almost all raised their hands. Which meant I was basically in a 'feeder school'.

Anyway, I was actually waiting for a few other offers so I wasn't feeling so sore but still a bit dejected. One of them was to do aircraft engineering licence at MAS, and this friend was also an applicant like me. Of course, I finally got the call, and he didn't. He was quite sad and depressed, and I was there to help cheer him up, taking over as the cheery one among us to lift his mood. Being himself, he didn't take too long to mourn and pulled himself together, primarily because he had another offer to wait for - pilot training. I knew it could be hard to get and even if he did, the job market back then was hostile towards any aspiring pilot. I read that we had about 2000 pilots unemployed and these guys were all licensed. So anyway, he got the call. I was already at MAS but I congratulated him for the success, albeit hollow, I thought. Oh how patronising could I be.

Fast forward to now, that friend is now a cadet pilot at MAS. He had a snag a few months back when MAS grounded his batch, but he's back flying early this year and would be flying his first passenger B738 as a pilot in some time. While I'm struggling to get my basic licence, and even if I get it, MAS wouldn't say if they would give me a job, even as a technician. I met him on many occasions since then, and everytime he met me, he thanked me for being there for him when he was feeling sad and down back at UIA. And when knowing about my predicament with my training right now - no job guarantee and all - we reverse our roles. He's the one giving me encouragement words now. Heh funny.

Now I get it why some people say life's a joke. It is! Although I'm not laughing.